Gremlins 2: A new batch

In a Word: Hilarious.

In 354 words:

I have seen the first film. I saw it about a year and a half ago.
My favourite part was when the old lady got thrown out of her window by her stair lift.

When this film started I thought a stupid person had linked me to the wrong film, a Looney tunes film. Do not fear!

NEW YORK!
The old guy from the last film has moved shop to New York!
buuuuut, he dies and his shop gets taken over by some massive company who demolish it and take Gizmo (a weird furry creature called a Mogwai).
Gizmo is now in the crazy, animal testing part of the ridiculously high tech office block.
Soon saved by his friend from the fist film and is kept in a draw.

We are soon reminded of the rules of having a Mogwai: don't shine bright light on them, or they'll die - don't let them get wet - don't feed them after midnight.

So what happens next?
Water is sprayed on Gizmo and his spawn eat after midnight. Damn.
So now there are little green buggers running round wrecking the place.

So that's the film from then on.

I sit here munching on Hobnobs creams thinking: "what makes this film original?"
Well, there are a number of things. This film knows that it's a kind of crappy film and emphasizes it to the extreme.
This film couldn't scare my Nan but bloody hell it can make me crease.

There are a few varieties of Gremlin this time: Bat, Spider, smart, electric, transvestite and Rambo.

This film oozes with epic. With such deaths as: Concrete, shredder, headshot and mass electrocution. It's not really a film you have to pay attention to but if you don't you will seriously have a few wtf moments.

SOOO many references! The only way I can describe it is by saying this film is self aware. It knows it's a film and plays with it. Hulk Hogan turns up at one point. I have one funny memory of Hulk Hogan...

I prefered the first one. It had better music

Go watch now!

Review: of Robocop: Dark Justice/Meltdown/Ressurection/Crash and Burn

Can I just say: "Thank fuck that's over".

Links will be added tomorrow - maybe an adit aswell.

In a word: Lengthy

In 1,195 Words:

Robocop is, well, a cyborg police officer based in Detroit - which gave me a massive headache.

I'm going to treat these films as one, because as far as I can tell they are set (and filmed) in the same week. No, seriously, there is no sense of time at all.

We start off with a 'Starship troopers' style News cast highlighting the problem of a small group of suicide bombers (which I can’t remember the name of, something like Da Bomb) and who should turn up? YAY! ROCOBOP! Borocop shoots the bombers and is then taken out by a fat man in a stupid costume: "Bone Machine".

It is later discovered that Bonner machine has prototypes from the OCP (an equivalent to the Umbrella Corporation - but with robots). The OCP control almost everything. OCP are in financial collapse and One Sparking member, Damien, Has a plan which he describes as "Divine Intervention" (all I could think of was a priest with a gun). This idea was to have a giant super-computer control the entire city. A young, fresh employee of OCP (James Murphy) gets IMs telling him to meet at some loading bay at 8. he goes and there’s a secret thing going on.

It's here where a sense of time is needed. There is a flash back of before Coborop existed and he was Alex Murphy - working with John Cable. They were playing chess then John exposed himself to beat Alex and called it the "Cable Manoeuvre".

Later that day, they got a call to go check out a dog, which was eating human flesh.
After seeing what the dog was having a munch on they decided to check out the house and subsequently found a young woman in a chest-fridge and a man that takes John hostage.
The criminal Demands that Alex drop his gun while John tells him to shoot.
Alex drops the gun and is then told to "die" by the perpetrator and is somehow shoot dead my John.
John receives a medal and Alex looses respect for him.

Back to present tense. We now find out that that James Murphy is Pocobor's son. In this film; every one knows every one - and is related to them! So loads of stuff happens that is quite insignificant, then out of nowhere BOCOPOR GETS 1337 HACKZ and is told to "Terminate John Cable". Now, is it me or does that remind you of "Terminate John Connor"? Hmmm...
So, anyway, the roobcop chases John CABLE and then is confronted a second time with The Skeleton producer, who then takes John hostage. This time Alex shoots and kills John - with armour piercing bullets.

Film 2: OCP gets infiltrated by some women in leather hacking into S.A.I.N.T (the computer to control everything) and Porocob saves the day! Again! Woo!

You know I said John Died? Well he comes back as another Robocop. But for the simplicity I will just call them by their names and stop making up silly anagrams...

So John is told to go out and wreck shit up; thus framing Alex.
Alex is now to be recalled and doesn't know anything about it until he sees it on Federal network and a few police with guns come round the corner and shoot at him. He's then confronted by John and they have a fight which results in Alex driving into a river.

HERE COME THE HOMELESS NINJAS! ok, I’m sorry it's not really part of the film but it's on TV in the film... soo... well I found it funny.

Feeling rejected Alex tries to do the mega64 Resident evil 4 skit and dress in a large coat. he needs to get a processor for something.

As well as John after him, Alex now has the "robo-hunters" on his tail. The robo-hunters use powerful electric weapons to stop Robots.

Alex manages to Reclaim John from lies and they run away together.

The guy that came up with saint is fired for hiring the "Robo-hunters" and kills the entire Board using pressure and heat - Supplied by S.A.I.N.T.

Film 3:
Yeah Film 3 is just that Alex gets his memory back and John is captured and now controlled by an evil scientist called Dr. David Kaydick, who has invented the "Legion" virus - which can infect PCs and People. Dun dun dun! There is a lot of gun fighting and James finds out Robocop is his dad.

Also Damien becomes President of the OCP/a dickhead.

Film 4:
S.A.I.N.T is activated at midnight and Kaydick plans to infect the city with the Trojan Virus and every one has to stop him bla bla bla...
Every one gets into the Skynet building and it goes into lock down preventing escape.

Some fights take place and by now I’d forgotten nearly everything from the first film...

Kaydick successfully uploads the virus and there isn’t much they can do to stop it seeing as Alex is quite messed up.

Somehow every one apart from Kaydick and his ex wife get out of the main control room and are running from John, who catches up with them and turns Alex off.

Meanwhile, Kaydick and the wife are evaporating - woops sorry, pixelating and they both die without being able to set off the EMP to stop the ‘Red Queen’.

John stumbles up to the A.N.G.E.L computer and says "Do you play chess?", immediately I went OH CRAP! Then I think you can guess what happened after that.

The end was good (tone of unease invoice) but could have been a hell of a load better, like having a thumbs up. No, wait, that’s taken.


Films/Games i can connect this to: Judge Dredd, The Terminator, Irobot, Star Wars, Resident Evil, Any game that allows god made/Bullet proof made and Half-life.

This film is so much like Judge Dredd, I nearly shat myself with frustration. At one point I actually thought I was watching The damn thing. I kept expecting to hear: "I AM. THE LAW!" - I didn't though...

The Effects were alright. Apart from the scenery; Dreddful.

Acting was the usual (kind of) mediocre alrightness.

The sets where really quite good! Come to think of it, I didn’t realize they were sets.
WOAH!

The story = confused people. Who, in this film, wasn't a mum or dad?

The costumes were good apart from the Robo-hunters which looked like over eccentric paintballers and I swear one just had a master chief outfit on!

The TV in the film i thought was going to ask me if I wanted to "view more". There were two things on the TV i liked: The homeless ninjas and the OTOMO!

This Film had way to many likeness' to films. who puts a man called John and a woman called Sera in a film where theres a cyborg?

Over all: Don’t watch this all at once, like I did. I you do follow this guide: Have food, have water, have an icepack helmet, do it with a large screen in the dark, keep your finger on the volume control, Pay attention and last but not least watch it with a mate who is more eager to see it then you. If you can't be bothered to sit and watch for over 6 hours; watch Judge Dredd instead.

Review of film: MULAN

In a word: wonderful.

In 454 words:

It's been years since I last watched this. I'd forgotten how funny it was. Sometimes, though, Eddie Murphy gets on my nerves and steals the show a bit.

For those that haven't seen Mulan, It's set in China during the Sui dynasty (which means the time when China and the Mongols were at war - hence the great wall of China)

One man from every Family in Mulan's village is called up, and being the only man in the family, Mulan's father steps up to the honour. Opposing to this "honour", and previously disgracing her family name, Mulan decides to Take the draft paper and pose as a man in the army. Woops.

Knowing Mulan has escaped to the country The Ancestors send the great stone dragon after her but a small red dragon named Mushu accidentally breaks it, so he goes in its place.

Thinking it would be a good idea, Mushu teaches (unsuccessfully) Mulan how to act like a man which result in enemies...

Upon failing so much Mulan gets thrown out of the army mid-song, but proves herself worthy by climbing the top of a large pole and fetching (so kindly) her dashing commander’s arrow.

No and expects her to be a man until She is wounded while taking down the whole Hun army simultaneously saving her commander. She is spared because she saved the commander.

There is a large celebration yet, Shock and horror - some of the Huns aren't dead! And then it's the climactic ending.

AHG! Tay Zonday is depressing me!

So, you got the essentials; good story, good voice acting, good animation.

It's great for kids. I loved it and about ten or so years later, i still love it. It has the charm which settles you down for some good laughs. The music is a way to illustrate tehe situation to children which it does very well. The only thing with the singing is that captain le Shang's singing voice is Donny Osmond...

The signing up scene reminded me so much of some of the sound clips in Red Alert 3 with all the emperor and honour...

The best bit by far is the "Man bit". i was laughing for a solid five minutes, at least. For some reason women trying to act like men is quite funny because (and I don't know why) they always try to complicated... either that or just burp and fart.

Lots of wisdom and wise words are bound to fill your head after watching this film.

I would say, if you don’t like war or Chinese people and prefer Football (English football) and Americans you should watch 'She's the man' - it's pretty much the same thing. WATCH MULAN NOW!

Review of film: The fly (1986)

First of all, thank you to all the followers! Now, onto the film.

In a word: slow.

In 707 words:

A science convention, a physicist and a journalist. What could happen?
Well, the physicist says to a woman something about changing the world and they go back to his... place...
He has devised contraptions which allow things to teleport. He demonstrates his "Telepods" to his new friend, veronica who (as it turns out) is a journalist. She records the meeting and shows it to her editor.

Later, Seth (the physics guy) persuades her to document his findings and shaPOW! They end up in bed together, did not see that one coming...

oh wait! Did I mention that the editor was Veronica's ex boyfriend? Well neither did the film. So what's his name gets jealous and decides "hey you know what? Im'a be a dick and do this story in my paper". so veronica rages at him for a while and they come to an agreement that i can't really remember because it was so long ago. it's not that the film is too long (even though it is a good old 95 minutes) it's that it goes by at snails pace.

So the documentation continues and they try the 'Telepods' with a monkey - sorry a Baboon.
BAD IDEA! The baboon ends up the other side inside out. not very nice just after having mince meat...

so some research happens and smart man Seth finds that he has to reprogram the computer to configure the tissue correctly. Another Baboon is chosen to be tested and it worked! Yay, for all.

Lady-friend Veronica leaves to rage at her ex and Seth, with clear inexperience in the social world (like me) thinks she may be going back to her old lover. With this new-found sadness, Seth decides to test himself out in the 'Telepods'. While he sets up his equipment there is a distinct buzzing and we all know what’s coming next. he gets in the 'Telepod' with a fly. Luckily he comes out of the other end seemingly unchanged. to be honest i was expecting it to be like 'the Simpsons' episode.

So the love carry's on between Seth and Veronica, though Seth is getting pretty pro in bed and now has abnormal fitness.
Assuming the fitness comes from being de-particliesed and put back together again Seth goes a little potty and tries to makes Veronica go through, yet doesn't want to. He gets annoyed and finds some one else, who also doesn't go through. Seth tells Veronica to never return.

A few days later, however, he notices weird hair that hurts when he tries to shave, soon after that, his nails come off.
His deformation continues as he gets more and more traits off his Tele-buddy.

Then (and this is why you should use a condom) Veronica finds out she's preggers with fly-boy's baby. Then some exiting but wholly predictable things happen.

The end, I thought was actually quite good, though it left me a bit in the dark. I thought that the idea of using the third 'Telepod' was cleaver but I don't get why he tried to fuse him, Veronica and the baby into one. Surely that would just mess up all memories.

Splendid indeed was the acting and make-up. It has Geff Golblum in it who i quite like and Geena Davis who looks a bit funny. The make-up made Seth seem like a real fly-man right up until his jaw got snatched off and he kind of just, fell apart and turned full-fly.

The filming was so smooth i didn't notice it, which unless I’m watching the 'Blair witch project' is a very good thing indeed. Oh lord, the quotes. This is the film that brought to you: "be afraid, be very afraid" but seriously i don't see how this film is a horror. My favourite quote has definitely got to be
"I'm onto something huge!"
"What? His cock?!" Nothing is going to beat that (apart from maybe some from 'Pure Pwnage').

So, over all it's way to slow paced, yet I enjoyed it and maybe the next thing I review I will really, really hate. Watch this if you want a laugh or some fake porn with a twist. If you liked this, you might want to see 'earth Vs the Spider'.

Review of film: Repo the genetic opera

In a word: amazing!

In 451 words:

Firstly I must apologise. I didn’t take many notes of this film, simply because I was sitting in awe for an hour and a half.

The story is simple but then again, who cares?
The world begins to deteriorate due to an epidemic of organ failure, but lukily Gene-co has found a way of making organ transplants amazingly easy.

Next thing you know every ones getting organ transplants. But. Not every one can pay for the surgery, so a man is sent out to reposes the organs implanted into the dreading people.

Lot’s of exiting things happen along this colourful, yet grim journey. My favourite of these events has to be Paris Hilton’s face falling off. The colour from this story comes from a rather entertaining comic style narration which allows the back story to be put across with out some sort of confusing “wait is this a flashback” scene which I often find aggravating.

The visual effects in this are seeming-less and not once did I ever question if any of the hearts and gore where real. Yes, as you can see, it’s guts galore so again not one for you squeamish peoples.

The film starts straight off and we get to know the characters through the impressive Comic strips so that means no getting bored while a depressing monolog drifts past unconcerned ears. The characters are well portrayed by the modern upbeat music and to be honest there was only one song that annoyed me, which was the 17 one, and frankly she deserved that slap. Most of the characters are freaks. A surgery addict, a man with some one else’s strapped on to his and a woman with holographic eyes, could this be better than a note book that kills people or a red fat man with a giant hand? Well, yes to the latter

Acting: now for me the acting was top notch! I was laughing for ages at the fact that Rupert Giles from ‘Buffy’ was playing the part of a ninja surgeon. Every time he started to sing I had a flash back of an episode of ‘buffy’ I saw when every one started to burst out in song and dance then explode into flames. Every one fits very well into their parts, weather they are ninjas or spoilt daughters. If I had to chose a favourite, I would defiantly choose the Repo.

I thought that the end was amazing, though a little unclear and I kind of expected it but not really… if that makes sense.

Some of the singing was a bit off, but forgivable. So over all it’s an excitingly fresh and eccentric film that will make you laugh your nose off.

The Graduate (1967)

In a word: mindfuck

In 494 words:

if I had to put this film into a genre, I would have to make a new one, called what-the-fuck.

So we start off with a nice simple intro where a neat, high scoring student is getting praise from a whole load of people. Apparently he was top of his classes and hosted a range of different activities in his school.

so as you can guess Ben (the main character) wants to get away from every one and hides in his room away from the blabbering party. A lost woman stumbles into his room and he ends up taking her home. Now, for me this film was agonisingly annoying. he couldn't just leave her house could he? Mrs. Robinson (which is also the name of my English teacher) seduces Ben, though Ben escapes with only "call me"

One night Ben decides "hey you know what? I think I’ll call that woman that's, like, at least 20 years older than me". They book a hotel room and get it on. Oh, by the way, she has a husband and daughter. Messed up stuff. This goes on for quite some time, demonstrated by one of the best montages I’ve ever seen.

Ben is soon under pressure by Mr. Robinson and his own parents to take out Elaine Robinson - The daughter, who Ben has been told is off limits according to mother...

so can you guess what happens?
They have a great date! Which results in a "let's go out tomorrow".
Mother swiftly Foils the plan by threatening to tell Elaine about the affair, BUT Ben tells Elaine before mother can and gets a metaphorical curb-stomp (don't click on the link if you're squeamish, or don't like KoRn...).

So any way I kind of lost the plot there.
This is a slightly awkward film that left me saying "YOUR MUM" for quite a lot of it.
It made me feel a bit too anxious though. if hate anxiety.
Acting, I thought was really, really good though the voices did annoy me quite a bit...

The sound was not great as the editing was kind of messy.
Wonderful music accompanies the film throughout although there is only so much rosemary and thyme I can take before I go crazy and shave off my eyelashes.

The camera shots impressed me and I though that the film was well put together, then again I think that 'zombies zombies zombies' is well put together (trust me it's a real film).

Over all it's a bit strange at the beginning (ok, I had to have a break halfway through to rethink my morals) but towards the end it gets better and better! as I said it is a "WHAT THE HELL?!" kind of film but it's all worth it for the hilarious ending which I realized was what the Simpsons were taking the piss out of one episode. I would probably say this is a film to see before you die.