Wrath of the Ninja

In a word: HE-YAA

In 236 words:

This film falls into the Stupid pointless category, meaning "Everything you have done has only helped the other side!". It happened in 'The supernaturalist', It happened in 'Star wars', it happened in 'Collateral Damage', and it pissed me off!

Story line: Three ninjas have to unite to defeat evil in an age of war.

It's a bit fuzzy. Especially for those that don't go by the Tensho calendar. I had no idea why anything was happening or when, all I knew is that people where dying - 'Gantz' style! The fuzziness is due to the fact that this film is a sliced, diced anime, pasted onto VCR

The music gave away the time the film was made; the 80's. Everything from this film reeks the 80's (Believe me, I've seen 'The Terminator'): The style of drawing, the music, the hair. The hair. Forget That Shit!

If I could relate this film to some video games - wait. I can (and will). 'Mortal Combat', 'Onimusha', 'Ninja Gaiden and 'House of the Dead 2'. Why house of the dead you cry! The voice acting. Could you be any more like a monotonal stone?!

So once again the story Annoyed me and the characterisation really annoyed me. at least make the blue flame guy do a rap; 'cos that's what he sounded like he was going to do!

WHHBI: they were proper ninjas and if the drawing was sharper.

Review of film: Braindead/Dead Alive.

Yes it's one film with two titles.

In a word: Grim.

In 568 words:

I have no idea where to begin.
Well it's about Zombies, so where does the infection start?
The answer to that is Plagued rats raped tree monkeys’, forming the rat-monkey or Sumatran. One of these Sumatran is taken to a zoo in New Zealand (that throws all Yahtzee jokes out the window...).
A spying mother follows her son and his gal' to their date at a zoo and while hiding in the bushes gets bitten by the skanky rat-monkey. The thing about this i didn't see coming was mumsy curb squishing the rat-bag.

I think this is the second film I’ve seen this month where some ones face falls off...
so mother (a lily savage look-a-like) is sick in bed and is starting to, how to put it? decompose? well anyway a nurse is called in and while in presence of the dying woman and, in turn, gets her head ripped off. Lovely. Lionel (the son) then, locks the zombies in the cellar.

Somehow his mother has a funeral and is buried. Though in the time between the funeral and his mother’s death, he has been keeping them at bay with Tranquilizer. For some reason he needs to dig his mum up, but is stopped by a gang of punks, one of witch get his balls ripped off. so the mother has broken out, creating more fiends. Hearing all the commotion the priest jumps out and says the best line ever: I kick arse for the lord". And so he does. But ends up being bitten in the funniest way ever. A severed zombie head lands on his shoulder and bites him. What bad luck.

So with all four zombies away in the basement, two of them actually have sex and make an undead child. I have no idea how that works but it's amazingly hilarious!

Lionel’s uncle somehow stumbles upon the dead four and threatens to call the police unless Lionel surrenders the money and the house, which he does.
now owning the house uncle les, throws a party!
I sense a zom-fest!

And from then on it's a literal (in some parts) bloodbath. To tell the truth I actually felt slightly sick in some parts. But after a while the gore effects (which actually got special mention in the opening credits) are very comical.

Some of my favourite quotes are from this film, including; "I got a bad feelin’", "well maintained frontage" (unlike the acting), "your mother ate my dog" and "haven't seen mum yet". The accent nails the films style, over the top, 50's hopelessness. I couldn't help notice the uncle sounds a lot like the soldier from Team Fortress 2, especially when he says "you maggot".

So according to this film how do you rid the world of zombies?
Lawn mower. Simple.
If I had to compare this film to another, it would have to be evil dead 2. They have the same trapped-in-house feeling, which gives it a certain edge.

One thing I want to know is why; in nearly every zombie film does some one get their stomach ripped about the place? I mean it's cool for the effects team, but it gets a little repetitive, but not when the zombie's organs kill people.

over all: this film is a must see. No question. The only thing they need is for the mum, at the end to say "GET IN MAH BELLEH!”


One last thing. I think I might do a competition. The task is to draw me a picture of what-ever is out side your window or your local park, any scene really. I will chose the winner and you can submit your picture via email to Chugalum@hotmail.com. The prize will be all my notes on the films I have reviewed and some ones that I didn’t get round to finishing. You should probably add your address in the email and your name. You have until Sunday midnight. Winner should be announced on Monday.

Dead Space: Downfall

As I drift soullessly about the internet, I struggle to find film titles that sway me into watching them. If I could watch any film at this point it would definitely be Jason and the Argonauts. I love old films. My all time favourite old film is Hercules in New York, staring Arnold Schwarzenegger (it's his first film) a Hercules get bored of mount Olympus and asks his father, Zeus, if he can stay on earth for a while. It is a must see as there is a scene in which Arnie wrestles with a man dressed as a bear. No joke.

so back to me trying to find a film to review.
AVAST! I have struck gold crew!

Dead space!

In a word: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHGGGG

In 496 words:

right, deep space mining blady bla, miners find a large spire that belongs to some kind of alien race.
At the same time the spiral is found, strange murders and suicides commence, could they be related? Yes, but that's not the point. a Religious group called the unitologists (personally I think it's a cover for scientology) say they need to retrieve the artefact and take it to earth.
The Ishimura comes to extract the strange twizler but half way through doing so they lose contact with the colony, So naturally a small vessel is sent down to check up on what's going on.

a narrow dark passage leads one of the crew to his wife, screams can be heard bouncing off the steel walls. When he sees her slashed and tortured body treading lightly over crushed glass he finds it hard to believe. He finds it even harder to believe she slits her throat right in front of him.

he pointlessly takes her back to his ship and races towards the Ishimura, whose crew realized what’s fishy about the spire. They close all ports to stop any threats. despite all efforts to stop the pilot of the small vessel, it slips though but little does the pilot know, his wife has turned fugly and starts to gnaw on his shoulder.

So as you can imagine, the monsters head to the morgue and resurrect it's residents. Evil would be a good way to describe the way these monsters look (see what i did there?). The monsters spread like zombies; though once you get killed a giant floating sting-ray humps your face.

The straight thinking commander of security (something like that) thinks only about the people and sets off to bust some cap in some fugly bitches. While failing with bullets and half her team dead, a very calm scientologist turns up with a HENCH light-sabre chainsaw thing and massacres the evil things.

The team decide that they also want light-saws and head for the store cupboard.

So the film is pretty much the same thing all the way apart from the end which is one of those ending that makes you say "OH SHI-"

The film is anime and very well done, unless it wasn't the website messing up the video audio sync. I now see how the game dead space won the award for best audio use in the video game BAFTAs.

I've never played the game before but now i really want to. The film is a large anime into scene to the game, dead space.

It features actors that I've never heard of before such as Jim Cummings, Kelly Hu and Nika Futterman.

Strong use of contrast is used through out making the creepy part even more colour draining-ly scary.

Over all; watch it. If you don’t enjoy the thick animalistic gore then you’re not watching it right. I mean, where else are you going to get an evil baby with tenticles killing people?

Requested Review: www.Hulu.com

In a word: All-American

In 202 words:

First impression is good, nice clean display, seemingly easy navigation and easy to read text.

I just want to state I am English, and to me it would appear that Hulu.com is only for American TV. So therefore it's marked down slightly as i don't really know of many American series apart from Diagnosis murder and Friends.

The search bar is well organized, meaning you wont get hot girls xxx if you search in Shaun of the dead.

You must have an Account to watch videos, TV or Movie, which I’m not obliged to make as I have the Nazi IP, Virgin. But I must to review it so…

Creating an account: this is the most hilarious account creation ever, you can select birth date from as far as 1870. Aside from the date of birth the account creation is practicly the same as every other website apart from that you need an American zip code which I’m not I’m position of... so no videos for me.

Well looks like I’m limited on this one, so ill stick with it's a very pretty site and i'm sure the videos are high quality.

It slightly reminds me of a greyer Veoh.com

To sum it up: I think I would have a lot more fun, should it go global.